that the reason why I lack any sort of empathy was the fact that I lacked drama in my campus years, during my early twenties. This is something that I pointed it out several times before in conversations so I have to say that the observation was quite accurate.
Indeed I did lack drama in my life, but that doesn't mean I have had a carefree happy go lucky campus life, instead, unlike of the usual boy meets girl love drama, what I had was problems, real ones by which the subject matter is not something that many composers tend to write songs about.
My freshman year was really tough,
I came from a standard kebangsaan school hence it was really hard for me to get acquainted to the culture of UTM which mostly consists of former MRSM and Chinese School students, i.e really smart nerds whose free time activity consists of studying and watching movies on the computer screen. They mostly come from these highly competitive schools and during the first year majority have yet to mellow down, everyone was for himself and since most were since in the high school mentality, students tend to flock together based on their Alma mater which leaves me in the minority.
So I was a lone ranger during my freshman year spending many hours wandering around the empty field in front of our hostel (I was later quite well known around the dorm for this), lurking into one comfortable corner in the library or simply strolling around the campus looking for a cave. Because of this, my studies got hit hard, really hard and I was considered by the counselling body as a student that was under probation. At that moment my Uni was in a transition period so the system was pretty much screwed and haywire causing stress to both students and lecturers, I vividly remembered being kicked out of a lecturer's office because I kept asking questions on something that he wrote in out textbook. Apparently he had little time to spend for students with low mental capability in understanding simple physics.
It was at one point where my physics lecturer, a chain smoking straight talking man in his late thirties told me that I need to change my ways. He called me to his office after I got appalling marks for a paper and without any sort of consultation nor counselling one of the first thing he told me was "Ahh You must be a lone ranger eh?"
Apart from the usual motivational talk and insistence that I personally submit all of my tutorials to him in the upcoming classes he told me that I needed to find my place in this campus just like I will have to find my place in society in the future and that for me to find comrades who will help me go through the tough coming times. As he predicted, I had a rather tough and at times very insecure times in campus.
Though holding through to the spirit of comradeship and several other tips and tricks I picked up along the way I somehow survived it and may I say had some fun along the way. I decided against on writing the various problems and incidents that I encounter back then because I don't want this post to be a long rant about me rambling on and on.
Suffice to say that along the way, though I lacked drama, there were plenty of insecurity, worries, sleepless nights, pondering and at some of the lowest point I felt truly lost.
But It was also compensated with laughter, joy, perseverance, optimism, friends helping out, hope and mostly the conclusion that in each problem that I faced was a lesson of life that I had to learn, better now than later.
I do lack drama and perhaps that is the reason why I seemed cold and distant. But the reason for that is not because I lack emotions nor empathy, rather as I have learned in many of the real problems that I had to consent with back then is that life is simply too short for us to be upset with things that is beyond our control and rather than wailing about a situation it's better to do something about it even in a very tight spot.
Trust me I know what it's like to be depressed, lost and dejected.
But as I learned along the way,
That every problem can be solved and hey It could get worse.
A dash for hope, a pinch of laughter, a ray of optimism, a group of comrades, a little time taken for a quiet stroll would always help out.
though I didn't get to have this luxury when I was in campus but I have to admit,
that a little warmth from a loved can make all the difference.
Good Night folks.